My Oscar Acceptance Speech

I know I’m going to leave somebody out, but I’m just so nervous and excited. I’m sorry if I failied to mention you, but you have my undying gratitude for all the things you didn’t do.

First, I’d like to thank the Academy…whoever you are.

Next, my heartfelt thanks goes to my housekeeper, who never comes over and forces me to clean my own house or live in the mess. This has certainly built something in me – character, maybe. Thank you.

Likewise, thanks to my non-existent chauffeur, who forces me to drive everywhere on my own (after I figure out where I’m going, of course). Also, by making me pump my own gasoline, you have really blessed me with a more developed perseverance (not to mention a lovely scent of 10% ethanol in my hair). Thank you.

Speaking of hair, I just can’t say enough about my hair dresser, who, well, I’ll just say it – makes me do my own. What this means is that, often, I’m forced to look like my hair didn’t get done, and there is really something to be said for learning to live with that regardless of who I’m around. I owe my learning that lesson all to you.

I’d like to thank my personal chef/meal planner, who by not personally chef-ing or meal planning, has encouraged me not only to cook but plan – all on a budget and with lots of coupons.

Thanks to my bodyguards, who failed to prevent me from badly bruising my knee the other day when I slammed it into the corner of the bathroom counter. That purple mark is a reminder to me that I’m not airbrushed (well, that and the extra 20 pounds), so thanks.

For the nanny who doesn’t show up to watch my kids, you force me to interact daily with my own children, and this means I might actually have a good relationship with them when they grow up. This means more to me than I could ever tell you. Thank you.

A special thanks to all the paparazzi who don’t recognize me on the streets, thereby giving me a relatively normal existence that doesn’t drive me to shave my head and check into rehab. Your absence has always been especially appreciated by me and my family.

And last, but certainly not least, I’d like to thank Craig, the love of my life, whose understanding of reality and the fact that I’m not perfect contributes to keeping us married. Like Bono sings, “with or without you,” baby.

Finally, I’d like to say thanks to God for keeping my humanity intact by giving me all these things I have to do for myself. As I have neither money nor fame, I cannot pay or demand that anyone take my daily inconveniences away. As a result, I am still human, and still learning to deal with my humanity every day.

I couldn’t have done any of this without any of you. Thank you. (cue music)

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