We have a family appointment this afternoon to visit a supplementary school we’re considering for the girls this year. It meets two days a week and allows me to continue homeschooling them the other three days. They utilize the curriculum we already use, so it seems like this could be a natural fit for our family if it all works out, but there are a lot of variables that need to be shifted into place before we know if it is going to work out.

It’s a bit on the bittersweet side for me, as I love having them home with me. I also realize that having them in this program for 10 hours a week isn’t going to break our family relationship. I’m hoping it might even help strengthen it a bit. The three older girls would go, leaving me with the Mini Mi (that’s what we call the 3-year-old – she also goes by The Wild Card) to do something else which I’m not at liberty to discuss right now (the short version is that it involves a really cool job/opportunity that Craig and I both think could be a win-win).

The main variable is whether or not the job will be able to support the school fees. We don’t know yet. But we have to enroll them now if they are going to participate, so we’re going to check it out today. If it seems good to us, we will take the risk, pay the registration fee, and trust it’s going to work out. If later we discover that it isn’t, then we’ll just go back to business as usual around here and only be out the registration fee.

As much as I like change in physical space (i.e. moving furniture, moving houses, moving towns, etc.), I don’t always adapt as well to change when it involves my kids. And making a move like this is really different than what we’ve done before. There is a little piece of me that feels like I’m giving up. I know that sounds silly, but there is a huge part of me that is terrified that my kids will think I prefer a job to them. It is perhaps my biggest fear.

So I live between the tension of not wanting my kids to feel abandoned and not making an idol out of the family structure as I’ve known it. It is a very difficult place to live.