It doesn’t take much to derail me and the best of my intentions. Here I am, 10:51 at night, sitting here with a Bible to my left, a Bacardi Razz to my right. I’m in a funk and don’t want to now what the Bible might have to say to me. Instead I surf blogs.

I hate this about me. I use any excuse. We had a long day (true), we just moved into a new house (true), I stink in the homemaking department (true), I must not really be a Christian anyway (untrue).

I think this might be why I’m writing this on here. I need to have a space where I say this – I stink. I usually use these occurances of enlightenment to my obvious failures to just fail in everything. If I can’t do it all, why do any?

But as I said a little while ago, I really want to fight this. I need help fighting this. I’m going to open up the Bible next to me and attempt to rebuild some discipline in my heart.

Sigh.

Okay, so Mark 9. Verses 43-50 say, “And if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than with two hands to go to hell, to the unquenchable fire. And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. it is better for you to enter life lame than with two feet to be thrown into hell. And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell, ‘where their worm does not die and the fire is not quenched.’ For everyone will be salted with fire. Salt is good, but if the salt has lost its saltiness, how will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”

Confession: I have no idea what this is really saying. I think it is allegorical and not literally saying to cut your hand off, but maybe I’m wrong. Also, what if the issue is your heart? I have a dark heart. Am I to cut it out? I wish I could give everyone I see the benefit of the doubt. Instead I automatically assume they have something twisted going on too. No, really, that’s just me.

Also, how do you make unsalty salt salty again? What’s the answer there? Can you sand off the unsalty layer and have saltiness pop up underneath? I want to be at peace with everyone.

I want to be at peace with myself.