i’m in a weird mood

I thought I could get away with just writing about something as trivial as a piece of kitchen gadgetry tonight, but I’m not sure I really can.

I’ve got some issues I’m not sure even I know how to properly name.

I think it might have something with sending two of my kids off to school this year.

There is this lie I am choosing to believe that I am a parenting failure by not continuing to homeschool all four of my kids.

And I’m a bit conflicted in my role as a director of a homeschool program.

A pretty successful homeschool program.

An emotionally demanding homeschool program.

I saw my two oldest kids for about a total of 20 minutes today.

I did not like that one bit.

I took a peek at the math book my 5th grader brought home tonight.

Chicago Math.

I am not a fan.

So I feel guilty for sending her to a school where they do a math program I’m not a fan of.

Because I’m rational like that.

My two youngest finished all their school work today in about four hours.

And I kept thinking we were missing something.

So there’s guilt with that.

Even though I probably did more with those two today educationally speaking than I’ve ever done with them.

But I have to feel this guilt.

It’s what I do.

I had a fair amount of hard parent conversations last week about my homeschool group.

I cried myself to sleep one night last week because of it.

Because I hate making decisions that other people don’t like.

Because my heart is sad when not everyone agrees.

Because I like everything to be pink and covered in rainbows.

But the more people who gather together, the more likely I’m going to make somebody really mad about a program decision.

And when they get mad I get sad.

And then I have to wear my new t-shirt.

Here’s a picture of my new t-shirt:

Picture 14

My friend Becky designed the shirt for me after I joked in an email that I wanted her to do it. I think maybe she was afraid I would take it personally if she didn’t.

She designs other cute stuff.

I like to make cute stuff.

I made my girls some cute book covers for school.

But one I made tonight was too small and it ripped when I tried to slide the book on it.

It’s Monday night and it’s the end of the third day of school.

It’s going to be a long year.