i’m in a weird mood

I thought I could get away with just writing about something as trivial as a piece of kitchen gadgetry tonight, but I’m not sure I really can.

I’ve got some issues I’m not sure even I know how to properly name.

I think it might have something with sending two of my kids off to school this year.

There is this lie I am choosing to believe that I am a parenting failure by not continuing to homeschool all four of my kids.

And I’m a bit conflicted in my role as a director of a homeschool program.

A pretty successful homeschool program.

An emotionally demanding homeschool program.

I saw my two oldest kids for about a total of 20 minutes today.

I did not like that one bit.

I took a peek at the math book my 5th grader brought home tonight.

Chicago Math.

I am not a fan.

So I feel guilty for sending her to a school where they do a math program I’m not a fan of.

Because I’m rational like that.

My two youngest finished all their school work today in about four hours.

And I kept thinking we were missing something.

So there’s guilt with that.

Even though I probably did more with those two today educationally speaking than I’ve ever done with them.

But I have to feel this guilt.

It’s what I do.

I had a fair amount of hard parent conversations last week about my homeschool group.

I cried myself to sleep one night last week because of it.

Because I hate making decisions that other people don’t like.

Because my heart is sad when not everyone agrees.

Because I like everything to be pink and covered in rainbows.

But the more people who gather together, the more likely I’m going to make somebody really mad about a program decision.

And when they get mad I get sad.

And then I have to wear my new t-shirt.

Here’s a picture of my new t-shirt:

Picture 14

My friend Becky designed the shirt for me after I joked in an email that I wanted her to do it. I think maybe she was afraid I would take it personally if she didn’t.

She designs other cute stuff.

I like to make cute stuff.

I made my girls some cute book covers for school.

But one I made tonight was too small and it ripped when I tried to slide the book on it.

It’s Monday night and it’s the end of the third day of school.

It’s going to be a long year.


10 thoughts on “i’m in a weird mood

  1. Audra says:

    All I’m going to say (since I don’t have children and can’t imagine how you feel) is that I love you, Megan. I think you are an awesome mom. Never doubt yourself.
    “Never doubt in the darkness what God has shown you in the Light”
    I’m glad you’re my friend.


  2. Tara Barthel says:

    Sending you love from Montana, Megan!
    ‘Tis the season for guilt, relational conflicts related to educational decisions, and overwhelming feelings of inadequacy.
    Good thing God is such a great and glorious God!
    Here’s an excerpt from Psalm 90 to encourage you, dear, beloved, wonderful Megan:
    “So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom. Return, O Lord! How long? Have pity on your servants! Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, and for as many years as we have seen evil. Let your work be shown to your servants, and your glorious power to their children. Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!”
    God love you.
    God is with you.
    God loves your children and is with them too.
    His grace covers over your sin and your weakness!
    His strength is sufficient.
    (I know you know all that. Just wanted to encourage you and remind you.)
    Love ya and g’nite!
    — Tara B.


  3. martha brady says:

    oh good! tara wrote:) she has been the MOST help to me re concerns re keeping people happy. when you are leading group. some people won’t be happy. i read tara a LOT:) my attitude has changed. it isn’t my job to keep them all happy. i do need to glorify God and enjoy HIM. i also need to delight in His grace.
    this is a HUGE transition. the first week of school does not mean the whole year will go badly UNLESS you convey to your children that this will be a bad year. developing a good communication situation with their teachers will help. the individual teacher doesn’t always have her preference on the text either does she? what she adds in teaching may overcome the deficiencies you see in that curriculum.
    you already knew this would be emotional. hand in there. look at the facts! you are a great mother! of course not perfect. the voices feeding you that info that your are a terrible mother because…are lies…absolute lies. your job is to listen to “whatever is true….” you know the drill.
    you are loved by God! he has shown you such wonderful grace:) you will all survive this storm…and grow thro’ it. love, m


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