I cried in church yesterday.

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So we sang this song in church yesterday. Or at least everyone else did. I started to, but as you can see below, it actually went down a much different way for me. I attempted to put down what was actually going on with me instead of singing right next to each line below:

Through the love of God our Savior, all will be well (Uh oh, am I going to cry now?)
Free and changeless is His favor, all is well (Yep. I think I am going to cry now.)
Precious is the blood that healed us (God, please, I really don’t want to cry now.)
Perfect is the grace that sealed us (Do I really believe this? *tear*)
Strong the hand stretched forth to shield us (Where’s that hand? I need some shielding here. *more tears*)
All must be well (It’s a lie. All is NOT well in my world.)

Though we pass through tribulation, all will be well (*sobbing*)
Ours is such a full salvation, all is well (All is NOT well)
Happy still in God confiding (Where’s the happy? I’d like some happy.)
Fruitful if in Christ abiding (Where’s the abiding? I’d like some abiding.)
Steadfast through the Spirit’s guiding (Where’s the guiding? I’d like some guiding.)
All must be well (It’s a lie. All is NOT well right now. *buried head in Craig’s side and sobbing*)

We expect a bright tomorrow; all will be well (I’m not expecting a bright tomorrow. I’m expecting a really sad tomorrow.)
Faith can sing through days of sorrow, all is well (I can’t sing. I’m sobbing. Do I have no faith?)
On our Father’s love relying (Where’s the relying? I’d like some relying.)
Jesus every need supplying (Where’s the supplying? I’d like some supplying.)
Yes in living or in dying (Where’s the living? Inside I’m dying.)
All must be well (I don’t think it’s a lie, but I’m not buying it right now. All is NOT well.)

It’s a strange thing, emotional stress. I generally feel like I have a pretty high stress capacity, but once I start to feel it, I feel it with crying. Crying in public. I hate to cry in public. That’s why, when we started to sing another song after taking communion, I got up and bolted right out of there. A gal can only take so much crying in public.

I’m grieving over the loss of the known, the ordinary. I’m grieving over the struggles and sadness my parents are facing. I’m grieving over the uncertainty to come. It does not feel like all is well right now.

17 thoughts on “I cried in church yesterday.

  1. AngieD says:

    That little spot where you’re standing? I have been there. Recently, even. Good for you for letting people in. Grief makes you feel awful, but also necessary for getting on with it. I’m praying for you, too. 🙂

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  2. Doug says:

    Megan,
    I was crying at that song too. I was thinking. “I sure hope this is true. I want it to be. Is it?”
    I think it is. I think all will be well for you and for me, but I can’t tell you how that will look. I’m glad you were there and it was a real conversation between you and Jesus. He loves you and so do we.

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  3. Rebecca says:

    I am so with you, Megan. We sang a song in church lately and I wondered if I was straight up lying while singing. My faith is so weak. I trust and yet totally don’t trust at the same time.

    It’s good to walk together in all this. And sometimes it’s good to know others are praying and faithful and strong when you cannot be.

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  4. Deah Abbott says:

    I cried in church yesterday too. I think I cried at every song though. Public crying is the hard. But I assure you, you weren’t the only one public crying in that room in that moment.

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  5. Ruth says:

    Oh, Megan, I remember this so well! When I first learned my sister’s diagnosis (she was 46 and I was 50) almost every Sunday we would sing at least one hymn that would bring on my tears. I think at first my thoughts were similar to yours, but over the next 10 years Diane lived, there was a different feel, more of a comfort along with the ongoing sadness and grief, because most of the hymn words reminded me of God’s loving sovereignty in all things and his promise to be with us always. I know at first I would hate the tears, especially in public, but over the years I learned to live with them, knowing my friends around me understood. They didn’t always stay so close to the surface, and eventually I was even able to sometimes sing through them as I would dwell on the reality of God’s faithfulness. It helps to feed yourself on God’s Word, and to cling to Jesus the Word made flesh. I was already praying for your mother before you and I became fb friends, and now you and your entire family are in my prayers daily.

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  6. martha brady says:

    wonderful words! sometimes, when i sing songs like that…after i acknowledge how far they are from my present experience, they also challenge me in my walk of faith. what does it look like for all to be well in this situation? there WILL be tears for sure. they are appropriate.

    over the next few years, you will be learning to lean on Christ in new ways. your description of “all being well” will have more texture to it than it does now. you have the faith now, but it will have a depth to it then that it doesn’t now. i look forward to your words then after it has grown in your community of faith in OK city.

    i look forward to seeing that beautiful piece of art:)

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  7. Darnly says:

    Megan,
    Cry….and remember God is saving all those tears. He knows about everyone of them and he knows why you are crying. He knows our weakness, our frailty, our inability to trust all the time, to believe, to let go. And so he does it for us.
    Thank you, God, for the hurts, the disappointments, the losses, the aloneness, the hard graces that turn us, a little at a time toward you, as you mold us to the image of your Son. Thank You.

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  8. Susan says:

    Megan, I do not know you or your situation, but every line in that song had me feeling the pain you were feeling. I am dealing with some serious issues of my own right now, and like you, I cry easily and often. I also understand how difficult it is to believe that all will be well. I know that God is there and understands our pain, our fears, our doubts and he will see us through, somehow, and one day our lives will be well again. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and never give up on believing that God will be there for us, even when our hearts are breaking and we don’t think that we can make it another day. Remember, if God brings us to it, he will bring us through it.

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  9. Ruth says:

    Megan, my heart is breaking with yours….praying for you all….I cannot pray for your mother without imagining how horrible this must be for you and Michelle and your sweet Daddy…..but we are praying.

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  10. Jawan says:

    It’s 2:40 AM on the east coast and I’m awake listening to this song, crying buckets of tears. One day, I’ll get to meet you face-to-face and hug your neck, sister. Until then, live in His goodness and grace.

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