If you need a friend,
don’t look to a stranger,
You know in the end,
I’ll always be there.

And when you’re in doubt,
and when you’re in danger,
Take a look all around,
and I’ll be there.

I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you wait around a while, I’ll make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you I will.

When your day is through,
and so is your temper,
You know what to do,
I’m gonna always be there.

Sometimes if I shout,
it’s not what’s intended.
These words just come out,
with no gripe to bear.

I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you wait around a while, I’ll make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you…

I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
And if I had to walk the world, that make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will.

I gotta tell ya, I need to tell ya, I gotta tell ya, I gotta tell yaaaa …

I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you wait around a while, I’ll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you…

I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
And if I have to walk the world to make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will …
I will…
I will…
I will…

=====================

I just snagged the lyrics to When In Rome’s The Promise from here. This song came on the 80s on 8 this past Friday while I was in the van on my way to pick up Katie and Millie from art class. I ended up posting two lines as a Facebook status: “I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say. I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be.” To which Craig immediately came back with, “But if you wait around a while, I’ll make you fall for me, I promise you, I promise you I will.”

It sounds dumb to say one goofy 80s song seems to sum up so much of what I continue to wrestle with both online and off, yet here I go. I wonder about the blog. I wonder if it’s time to say, “Gig’s up, time to move on.” In other words, “I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say. I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be.” And as much as I want to be able to follow that up with “But if you wait around a while, I’ll make you fall for me, I promise you, I promise you I will.”

I can’t promise that because I just don’t know.

My ratio of thoughtful post to mindless review posts is about 1 to 10 right now. That may be generous. I didn’t go back and count. And yet, when I WANT to write something with depth I find I just don’t seem to have any left. I’m floating so close the surface right now I’m not even sure how deep the pool is anymore.

And part of me wants to scrap this one in favor of a new one: Approaching the 40s: Life in the midst of predictable mediocrity. That’s what I seem to be swimming in these days. And part of me eschews that thought completely while the other part just embraces it. This is what life is: dishes and laundry and driving and schooling and refereeing and predicting the what-is-to-come.

And, irony: Of all the reviews, there’s one I’m really looking forward to doing because I actually had the book pre-ordered on Amazon before I was offered a free review copy. It’s Margie Haack’s The Exact Place. And darn it if I can’t find that book ANYWHERE right now.

That just sums things up completely. Or something.

We tried to reinstate our weekly Sabbath meals and 24-hour electronic fast this weekend. I made the meal, no problem. But I didn’t do such a great job with the electronic fast. I didn’t hop on social media venues, but I caved in a bit after cleaning up a massive amount of sick from one particular daughter, whom I then had sleep downstairs so she could be super close to the bathroom. One of her sisters wanted to sleep downstairs too so she wouldn’t feel lonely and I was also planning to sleep downstairs in case I needed to dash to clean-up duty at 3am. But it was 9:30 when they went to sleep and the lights were off. And I wasn’t tired yet. So I popped on the computer to work on some posts that were coming due soon and just put them in my drafts folders.

Honestly, it felt pretty good to get those posts done and in storage, but it felt pretty bad that I couldn’t seem to stay off-screen for a full 24-hours. We have a phrase we frequently use when we don’t measure up to our (honestly not super high) expectations. It’s, “I suck.”

That’s what it felt like last night.

And I keep wondering how long I’m going to feel that way. Maybe until I finally get curtains hung in the bedrooms. Or the big panels made for one of our front rooms so the entire neighborhood can’t see in at night. Or when I get around to painting my bedroom. Or maybe when I finally get a good laundry system in place.

Or maybe I’m going to realize that I’m never going to measure up to any expectations; yours, mine, or anyone’s and I’m going to have to simply be okay with that. By okay I don’t mean to imply I won’t keep trying, because I will. But my end results may never look like what either one of us really wants it to. And that bothers me. Maybe more than it should.

So here’s to getting a groove back. Or at least putting on a good record. Or at least continuing to listen to the 80s on 8. And here’s to living in the shallow end for a while – let’s hope it doesn’t translate into a face down float.